We’ve got an opening for the role of manager for the Indian Football Team. Our latest hire was a complete dud—believe it or not, he had the audacity to turn on us the moment we decided to let him go. Seriously, do we have to take responsibility for that clown? And then, of course, he ran to the media with his sob stories. Hiring is such a pain.
Anyway, back to the job at hand. If you’ve got some managerial credentials and a bit of experience managing a team (the specifics of which are entirely irrelevant), we might be interested. Here’s the deal: we’ll check the usual boxes—licenses, experience, a somewhat decent plan to get our team back on track (not a deal-breaker), effective planning (don’t sweat it), and leadership skills (this is more for show; we’re the real leaders here). Dynamic communication skills? We actually prefer someone who’s a bit of a poor communicator because we’re tired of dealing with media nonsense. And respect? Absolutely essential—make sure to be respectful to our CEO.
These are just the standard requirements we list for SEO purposes on our job page. However, we’ll now come to our key requirements. This is being posted online to prevent anyone from holding a press conference to bash us. If you try that, instead of taking 48 hours to respond, we’ll just say, “I told you so!”
The content ahead is satire. Any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.
You are a football enthusiast, AND in love with your couch.
If you’re the type who loves to sit down and watch football after an exhausting day of doing nothing, then you’re the lead candidate for this job, believe us. Prefer Manchester United or Barcelona matches? That’s fantastic —10 extra points for you! But if you’re into the Indian Super League, congratulations, you’re almost exactly what we’re looking for.
The job requirements are minimal: a couch, a working TV, and a team of poorly paid but exceptionally hard-working analysts. Your main task? Watching the games (falling asleep is perfectly fine; we’re not monitoring you). Our analysts will ensure you receive all the necessary reports.
There is one rule though: absolutely no watching the I-League. It’s the second division, for crying out loud! Does the manager of the England Football Team waste time watching the goddamn Championships? But, to be honest, we didn’t really need to enforce this. Even if you defy us and try to catch a match, good luck finding a stream for the game.
Mandatory experience in managing resources creatively
You’re required to bring several years of creative resource management experience to the table. Thanks to obviously our previous CEO’s approach to planning, we now have an important resource gap that you’ll get to fill. Exciting, isn’t it? You’ll be given a team, but we’ve omitted the striker position, as our hiring process has stalled due to a distinct shortage of “number-nine” talent.
With our team lead having retired and the market in chaos, most potential candidates are too busy navigating the endless cycle of winger to full-back and back again to notice this opportunity So, all we can offer you are semi-skilled individuals for various roles. Feel free to experiment with them and, if you’re feeling adventurous, perhaps even try your hand at some in-house training.
We’re technically a bit behind compared to our counterparts. Honestly, we can’t keep up with the latest tech trends. And just to be clear, we have a special place in our hearts for hating IT guys—they’re always inventing new gadgets we don’t need. Seriously, what’s a GPS vest, and what on earth is a platform called Wyscout? Our only knowledge of Wyscout is, “Why Scout?”—because we’ve got a horde of agents hawking their latest player offerings. Sorry for going off the track, almost got into the unethical practices in the Indian transfer market. To get back on track, we have a deep-seated hate for these so-called technological innovations. You’ll need to manage accordingly.
Effective in highly stressful environment (really quite high)
Let’s cut to the chase: if you’re the kind of person who’ll cry about your 9-5 because of a shi**y boss or lousy teammates, then just save us all the trouble and don’t bother applying. We’re thrilled to have a CEO who’s as adept at making decisions as he is at dodging accountability, and our committee is packed with multiple “highly qualified” folks. You’re strictly required to brush off any media claims of mismanagement—because, frankly, we hate the media and expect you to follow suit. Our last hire was so in love with the press that he almost moonlighted as a critic of ours.
You’ll frequently be sent on international business trips with a team that may not be to your liking. We’re quite happy with our domestic clients (huge shoutout to SAFF!), but foreign tours? They’re as useful to us as people who think hiring someone like Pep Guardiola will get us into the Fortune 500. We can’t afford to send our top performers on what we consider expensive vacations. Sometimes, we even lease out our employees to other companies, so don’t be shocked if your “critical” foreign meetings end up being a one-person show with freshers who have just joined the company.
Decisions will be made based on our CEO’s ever-shifting political interests and the social media buzz from our fans. If the fans aren’t on your side, don’t be surprised if we leak something to the press suggesting we’re “considering” your exit. But don’t get too stressed —we’re too financially strapped to actually replace you and afford your severance package. You are in the for long run, and managing high levels of stress (the kind that might land you in the hospital tending your heart) is an important part of the job you’re applying for.
You’re a Libra, or an Aquarius, or you just know your Zodiac
Along with your resume, we’ll need your astrological charts because —‘wink-wink’. We might even request the charts of your teammates from time to time, purely for strategic reasons. Results are key, and what could be more critical than your birth date and the moon’s alignment at the time you were born? You’ll frequently get feedback like, “Good,” “Could do well,” “Needs to avoid overconfidence,” “Below average day,” “A good day but may get too aggressive,” or “Not recommended today.” We fully expect you to take this cosmic advice seriously and adjust accordingly.
You carry a significant hatred for Cricket
So, we’ve got these guys in pads and helmets swinging heavy bats at a tiny ball, and calling it a sport. Seriously? That’s what you have a liking for? We’re absolutely in hate with that cricket board. Imagine having billions in the bank and still managing to churn out one trophy in the last eleven years. We’ve won more SAFF titles in that time, for crying out loud. We feel like the neglected stepchild in this scenario.
Every day, some media outlet comes along to put us down, but we’re the ones left scraping by. Cricket’s grabbing all the attention and leaving us in the shadows. In this house, cricket is our arch-nemesis. We firmly believe in the conspiracy theory that it’s they—not us—who are sabotaging our development. If we catch even a hint of cricket enthusiasm in your background check, consider yourself out of the running.
Comfortable hiring only Indians, we don’t support foreign hires
We’re fed up with the daily chorus of PIO/OCI worker pitches. Your role will involve hiring, and if you’re one of those people who’s obsessed with foreign players with an Indian background, just save us the trouble and move on. We’re not into foreign hires. Imagine Satya Nadella or Sundar Pichai deciding they want to become CEOs of some second-rate IT firm in India.
Seriously, do we need foreign junkies in our top spots? We’re not interested in your arguments for bringing in super-talented foreigners for our purely domestic roles. If you can’t find talent within the Indian market, then honestly, we don’t need you. It reflects more on your inability to recruit effectively than on any “real shortage of talent out there”.
You are bald (we’re desperate)
We’ve tried everything under the sun. We swapped out CEOs, got ourselves banned by a regulatory body, and even attracted the interest of a few politicians. Nothing, absolutely nothing, made a difference. We brought in a guy with a varied resume—singing, running companies, and chasing administrative posts—but he also failed to turn our luck around.
Now we’re even dabbling in social media, and we keep a close eye on the Premier League. Here’s a fun fact: four of the Premier League’s elite six have bald managers. We’re starting to think there might be something to this. If the Premier League’s elite are any indication, baldness might just be the secret ingredient for coaching success.
We did try a bald manager once, but he had a serious flaw—he was obsessed with long balls, and we absolutely loathe him. So, we’re now officially wary of hiring anyone with a full head of hair. If the top clubs in the world are betting on baldness, we’re not going to swim against the current.
That’s all we’re going to reveal for now. Sure, there are more requirements, but we’ll save those for the interview. Our highly qualified Technical Committee, which is as unbiased as the referee in our Qatar game and boasts of a lot of management experience, is eagerly waiting to grill you one-on-one. Let’s do this—everything for Indian Football!
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